“So, I’m homeless and I’m going to be broke forever.” This prolific statement should be the running theme of every mid-millennial’s feature drama (not coming to theaters soon, but currently in real life). It’s an unfortunate truth, but I’m guilty of succumbing to this pattern of thought ever too often. You know “THE SKY IS FALLING!!” school of thought, “everything is an emergency” way of life, and “every bad thing happens to me” belief? I think that everyone has their fair share of doubt, depression, and anxiety, but it’s not until recently that I realized that my attitude during these bouts determine the outcome. In fact, Proverbs 18:21 says that the words that I speak about my life are self-fulfilling prophesies.
|The tongue has the power of life and death.. those who love it will eat its fruits| Proverbs 18:21
So, as I mentioned, less than one month ago, this was my narrative, plot and dilemma: “So, I’m homeless and I’m going to be broke forever.” In May, I graduated with a Master of Public Administration (MPA), I was living in California, and I was highly idealistic about my future. In the matter of a few short weeks of continuous, relentless and seemingly fruitless job searching, I was convinced that I just didn’t have what it takes to fulfill my vision of being a leader in the field of education and youth development. So, I brought out the small violins and played myself a little melody.
Hmm HmHm Hmmmmmmmm Hmmmm
“Oh, woah is me!! Why would this happen to me??!”
But really, what was the cause of this misfortune? After a bit of introspection and an overdue break from hosting my very own pity party, I realized that the reason for this terrible misfortune was me. I allowed fear to resonate in my heart and cloud my judgement which stagnated my growth and stole my blessings.
Faithless, Envious, Anxious, and Regretful
I chose the words faithless, envious, anxious, and regretful to describe the state of mind I was in over the past 6 months leading to my graduation and move back home. This acronym perfectly describes my state of hopelessness and desperation. At that time, I wasn’t committed to my faith. I didn’t believe that I would be okay and that my dreams would come true according to God’s will. I had become so reliant on my own strength and will to make it through every struggle. I was failing.
It didn’t help that in my struggle and down-time I would overuse social media, which led to unproductive self-comparison and a vicious case of envy. It seemed that all of my friends and family were moving on and making milestones while I was stuck. This made me feel anxious and restless as if there was something outside of myself that was missing to make my dreams come into fruition. It was as if I believed that God made a mistake and forgot to give me what I needed to succeed. I felt deserted and worthless.
This hopeless despair led to a feeling of indecisiveness about where I was going to live, my career path, and my desires. According to James 1:6-8, the indecisive person doesn’t trust the Lord and is unstable, which is exactly what I’ve been experiencing over these few months.
|But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. Such a person is….unstable |James 1:6-8
From Fear to Faith
For some time, I’ve felt removed from my faith and relationship with God. I felt alone because I was no longer listening to His voice and I was listening to the voices of doubt and earthly desire. In order to build our relationship again, I’ve committed myself to the daily practice of reading scripture. The more I read, the more I am able to clearly hear His voice and move in the direction of His will for my life. I feel stronger and more courageous. I’ve moved past the, “I can’t” and “I’m not good enough to..” to “He told me to so I must” and “I do not lack what I need to get it done.” Now the words I speak bring life and I walk on faith to reap the blessings that He has in store. So in order to move forward from a spirit of fear to a spirit of faith, I use the following scriptures as daily affirmations that God loves me, God is almighty, and His plan is absolute. These affirmations help build self-confidence, encourage trust, and develop certainty in my journey.